I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
You Might Also Like
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
lost dog
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch