It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
i- i did not expect this
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.