[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Ladies, why y’all do this?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun