her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
they should invent a hydrating liquor