fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.