I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.