Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.