My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.