Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I only eat vegetarians.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.