On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
You Might Also Like
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.