My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
How to wake up a Beagle
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Huge”.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
sleeping beauty
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.