I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking