Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Best table by far
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.