Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
You Might Also Like
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The days of good grammer has went
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife