Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin