The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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🙄😏😂🤣
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
War & Peace
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?