Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.