School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
You Might Also Like
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.