Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize