My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart