The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*