Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
estão todos miauvindo?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.