As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.