My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Yeah. This was me today.
me irl
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Probably my best painting.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting