If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.