moms in horror movies
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Oh no
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.