Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sharon, call the vet
This hospital has everything
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies