I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
You Might Also Like
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.