People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel