Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
We’ve all been there
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please