I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
You Might Also Like
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer