I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
🙂🐾
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
he chose this
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny