Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Breaking news:
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
wait.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then