My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end