An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL