Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
How times have changed.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.