When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You Might Also Like
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
this makes me so uncomfortable