Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*