Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician