I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Need this in my life lol
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend