FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
You Might Also Like
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
i choose….tongue
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
opening twitter today
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.