My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
A game married people play.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us