When news reporters do sports stories
You Might Also Like
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.