boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.