Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Practicing safe sax
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep