“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*