“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
#dnd #ttrpg
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.