Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
New menu item
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.