I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.