In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Sniffing the broccoli
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*